December 16, 2024

Red One opened last weekend to large gaps between its audience and press ratings. Asked to comment if it was out of touch, the press said, “No! We put on pants one leg at a time, too, after using bidets that shoot Evian water.” (real story)

The New York Post’s reporting couples are breaking up over women’s love for Taylor Swift. One husband explained, “I blame Taylor for that affair I had with my colleague, Gary!” (real story)

A new lollipop-shaped lickable VR device allows users to taste flavors. All you need is to swipe the screen, type your password and taste the polio.

A new Google chip boasts the ability to resolve in 5 minutes what would have taken current computers 10 septillion years (10, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000!). Asked why women wearing leggings that ride way up say “I dress for me, not guys,” the computer struggled while trembling then exploded. (real story)

A new study has found even though people live longer “they live a greater number of years burdened by disease.” The scientists’ advice to improve healthcare: keep repeating “that CEO was a human being.” (real story)