December 26, 2024

Michael B. Jordan’s safe and sound after an intruder trespassed on his mansion. Police isn’t sure if he was home at the time – Jordan's presence and thin air are hard to tell apart given his one-dimensional acting. (real story)

Jeff Bezos’s former wife MacKenzie Scott donated $2 billion this year to poverty-fighting organizations. This large a donation not ending poverty confirms women aren’t good at anything. (real story)

In Los Angeles, a norovirus outbreak linked to raw oysters made 80 people sick. Fortunately, it wasn’t the oysters, just the thought of that. (real story)

Walmart is outfitting some of its store-level employees with body cameras to prevent theft, raising the workers’ expected performance to that of law enforcement.

(real story)

Gabbi Tuft, who once wrestled for WWE as a man, is considering a pro-wrestling return as a trans woman. If Tuft returns, it will be the first time pro-wrestling’s been homo-erotic.

(real story)