February 10, 2025

This weekend was, of course, the annual event viewers look forward to just for the commercials: The Critics Choice Awards.

The show got a Friday night timeslot, one of TVs lowest for viewership, as Sunday morning was too high a goal.

For those who missed it, the night’s big winners were your time management skills.

Emilia Pérez’s director, who cut off ties to its lead actress Karla Sofía Gascón over controversial comments, wondered “why she's harming people [including himself] who were very close to her." Asked how you can both call someone “very close” and drop them during troubled times, the French director answered, “Que? No hablos ingles.” (The Hollywood Reporter)

Daniel Penny, acquitted for fatally subduing a homeless man by strangulation in 2023, took a picture with a random fan. The post doesn’t say if he’s single, but it’s worth noting he’s 6 ft tall, loves flowers and, laaaaaadiiiiies, he’s really good at your kink: acquitted-good. (New York Post)

Last night, Samuel L. Jackson took time out of his 36-movies-a-week schedule to appear in Kendrick Lamar's much anticipated Super Bowl performance. Rap fans everywhere are raving about the show at the water cooler. "He just always brings it! What's his name again? Drake?" said a White lady whose Twitter's on private.

In Missouri, doctors removed a feeding tube that was forgotten 35 years ago in a woman’s stomach during a procedure. Unsure about how to deal with a 35-year-old obstruction this far into a woman, the surgeon asked advice from whoever’s dated Jason Derulo. (The Kansas City Star)

A Reddit user complained that Delta airlines upgraded her husband to a first-class seat but gave the remaining seat to a suitcase instead of her. In a press release, Delta responded first class seats are only for the powerful: the suitcase contained Black people’s powerful hope Kanye gets the fuck up out of Earth. (New York Post)

A judge who said all defendants are guilty has been dismissed from jury duty and resigned from his functions. He explained that someone wouldn’t be in court if they didn’t commit a crime in the first place; so, despite being innocent until proven guilty, they’re already guilty because they’ll eventually go to court.

Then came the controversial stuff. (Associated Press)

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