January 9, 2025

In Missouri, a teenager with a suspended license was arrested after gaming while driving at 107 mph only, like a pussy. (real story)

Business Insider reports on a new trend called “stealth firing” where companies fire employees for minor offenses to cover up their goal of reducing headcount. “I fire a lot, but I’d like to dissociate myself from this behavior,” said a flaming barrel of dog shit. (real story)

It was revealed the Tesla Cybertruck that exploded in front of a Trump hotel was rented through Turo, a service where car owners loan out their vehicles. The truck owner will now need SpaceX, to reach where his insurance payments are headed. (real story)

A sheriff who rescued a monkey in a tutu said the case was an example of officers “having to be prepared to handle whatever the job throws at them.” The sheriff then whispered to the reporter, “Promise me you’ll add I said I wasn’t thinking of Blacks when I said this.” (real story)

AOC took to social media to dispel the rumor she’s pregnant. The news was welcomed by intellectuals who prefer imagining a pregnant AOC during masturbation. (real story)