March 4, 2025

New FBI director Kash Patel, seen here before the toaster hit the tub, wants to bring in UFC fighters to help FBI employees with their physical fitness. Told the idea actually sounds promising, he still said, “Yeah? Watch me!” (ABC)

Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos says the paper will now primarily promote free market and personal freedoms. Bezos assures the change, widely seen as a way to please President Trump, aligns with the Post’s legacy: Deep Throat. (PBS)

An assistant nurse married a face transplant patient. She said she’s puzzled by onlookers’ surprise: “It’s not like he’s 5’7”.” (People)

The Wu Tang Clan has announced it will go on its final tour. The concerts are set to break attendance records with Whites unmatched since January 6. (New York Times)

Chelsea Handler said former New York governor Andrew Cuomo ghosted her after she looked forward “to be penetrated by the governor of New York.” Handler wanted to reveal more but it’d only been ten minutes since she’d left KFC.  (Decider)

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